Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Two great assets: Kelly Brook unleashes her toned legs for a glamorous night out
When paparazzi from Xposure Photos supplied some pics to Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail of Kelly Brook with her breasts fully covered, the red-blooded tabloid found it difficult not to show its disappointment. But then hack JJ Anisiobi spotted that Kelly Brook has great legs and that her Moschino dress had a split that revealed her thigh in a way no banana buffing Daily Mail reader could resist.

‘Her outfit was a lesson in fashion to Cheryl Cole who wore the same dress last month but with a very different result,’ reckons JJ Anisiobi. Cheryl Cole couldn’t ‘pull it off’ says the red-blooded tabloid, whose readers would no doubt have little trouble pulling something off at the site of Kelly Brook’s pins. And that dress rises so high, Xposure almost captured a Kelly Brook upskirt shot.

Terminator 2.0: Patrick Schwarzenegger shows off his muscles on family fun day at the beach
Daily Mail hack Sophie Forbes has been checking out the abs on Patrick Schwarzenegger after he was caught on a beach in Malibu, California by paparazzi at Xposure Photos.

‘The young man displayed his toned model like physique as she enjoyed a fun day at the beach,’ sighs Sophie Forbes. ‘He [Patrick Schwarzenegger] may be no beefcake like his former weight-training fanatic father [Arnold] but he’s definitely more easy on the eye.’

Young Patrick Schwarzenegger’s ambition to become a model looks certain to please lady Daily Mail readers.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.