Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

She’s no angel! Candice Swanepoel sizzles in Bora Bora bikini shoot
When Victoria’s Secret sent Candice Swanepoel to Bora Bora to ‘strut her stuff in the sand’ Paul Dacres’ Daily Mail was more than happy to give the swimwear and lingerie giant some free publicity… so long as the red-blooded tabloid could share the best pics with banana buffing readers.

Having spent quite some time poring over the pictures of Candice Swanepoel in a variety of bikinis, hack Lucy Buckland declared Candice Swanepoel looks angelic, but is no angel.

‘And it must be hard work for the former Charlie’s Angel, who gets to travel to the beautiful corners of the globe and get paid to sizzle on a beach in stunning swimwear,’ sighed Lucy Buckland, stuck in a cold London office. ‘Candice is currently in St. Barts shooting a new campaign for Victoria’s Secret.’

Katy Perry models her curves in kinky costumes at spectacular Victoria’s Secret show
When Victoria’s Secret held a new fashion show, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail team were desperate for front row seats, especially as one their favourite fancies, Katy Perry, was showing off her ‘curves’ in a number of ‘kinky costumes’.

‘She cavorted around in yellow PVC covered in pink hearts and thigh-high black boots,’ exclaimed an excited Daily Mail. ‘She took to the catwalk in an incredibly low-cut purple bustier that boasted a big bustle. Her cup runneth over.’

The red-blooded tabloid was delighted to make it home with a series of shots of Katy Perry in the lingerie to share with banana buffing readers.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.