Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

The rise of the ‘squoob’: The cleavage that looks more ‘oww!’ than ‘ooh!’
Squashed boobs are popping out of dresses everywhere reckons Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail, with banana buffing readers’ favourites Carol Vorderman and Christina Hendricks leading the field.

Hack Marianne Power has led the red-blooded tabloid’s investigation of squashed breasts — or ‘squoobs’ as she likes to call them — and concluded that squashed breasts have never been more popular. Not only have Carol Vorderman and Christina Hendricks squashed their breasts so they look like they’re about to burst out of their outfit, Elizabeth Hurley has squashed her breasts and Victoria Beckham’s breasts have been squashed too. Top designer Vivienne Westwood has even designed special boob squashing corsets for those desperate for the squoob look Marianne Power has discovered.

‘I think Victoria Beckham would love a vajazzle’: TOWIE star Billie Faiers sheds her good girl image… and her clothes
Billie Faiers of The Only Way is Essex has shed her good girl image, reports an excited Andrea Magraph for the Daily Mail, and stripped for lads’ mag Nuts… best of all Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail has secured some of the best shots from the photoshoot so randy readers don’t have to buy the magazine themselves.

At 21 Billie Faiers is fast becoming an in demand cover girl, says the red blooded tabloid, which has fallen head over heals for Billie Faiers charms. Readers are encouraged to gawp at Billie Faiers as she poses provocatively in her undies.

But what Daily Mail readers really want to see is Billie Faiers’ vajazzle; crystal jewellery applied to those intimate areas revealed by Brazilian waxes. And Billie Faiers would love to show her vajazzle to Victoria Beckham… now there’s an image to excite any Daily Mail reader.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.