Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Gemma Arterton shows off her ample assets as she bursts out of her costume on set of Neil Jordan’s new vampire movie
When paparazzi from Flynet caught Gemma Arterton’s tits falling out of her top as she filmed her new film, they knew they were onto a winner and when they managed to follow those pictures up with some upskirt shots, they knew Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail was the outlet for the scoop.

Daughter of Richard, Georgina Littlejohn was put on the case and observed, ‘Gemma, 25, looked freezing as she filmed scenes on the beach for the movie in the very low cut red dress. At one point she filmed scenes where she covered her mouth and looked distressed as she ran along the shingle.’

But there was no need to worry; Gemma Arterton was acting. Georgina Littlejohn loved the way Gemma Arterton’s breasts burst out her top and got particularly excited at pictures of a crew member adjusting her skirt; a procesdure that produced the upskirt shots that Paul Dacre’s organ particularly enjoys.

Two great assets: Kelly Brook unleashes her toned legs for a glamorous night out
When paparazzi from Xposure Photos supplied some pics to Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail of Kelly Brook with her breasts fully covered, the red-blooded tabloid found it difficult not to show its disappointment. But then hack JJ Anisiobi spotted that Kelly Brook has great legs and that her Moschino dress had a split that revealed her thigh in a way no banana buffing Daily Mail reader could resist.

‘Her outfit was a lesson in fashion to Cheryl Cole who wore the same dress last month but with a very different result,’ reckons JJ Anisiobi. Cheryl Cole couldn’t ‘pull it off’ says the red-blooded tabloid, whose readers would no doubt have little trouble pulling something off at the site of Kelly Brook’s pins. And that dress rises so high, Xposure almost captured a Kelly Brook upskirt shot.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.