Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Look away now kids! Rihanna marks her 23rd birthday with a VERY provocative performance at NBA All-Star game
When Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail heard that Rihanna had apparently masturbated on stage while performing at an NBA All-Star game, the red blooded tabloid was desperate for pics to share with banana buffing readers.

Fortunately, snappers from the Reuters news agency were on hand and happy to supply a series of quality photos.

‘Too far,’ salivated Paul Dacre’s organ. ‘The singer touched herself and gyrated in an over-sexualised way in front of the audience that included many celebrities and families.’

It may have judged too much for a sensitive celebrity audience that included Kanye West, Drake, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Justin Bieber and Lenny Kravitz but the images were just right for Daily Mail readers.

Rihanna pours her curves into racy nude corset as she films new video What’s My Name…
Daily Mail favourite Rihanna has ‘poured her curves into racy nude corset’ the tabloid’s Sarah Bull reports.

‘Whoa: At a first glance, it looks like Rihanna has forgotten her top as she sauntered around on the set of new video in New York in a flesh-coloured corset,’ exclaims the excited hack. But Sarah Bull is a convert reckoning that having ‘teamed the look with long pointy blue nails, her new bright red hair and a lot of jewellery’ Rihanna pulled off the nude corset look.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.