Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Natasha Henstridge is out of this world in the surf as she parades her trimmed-down bikini body
Strutting her stuff in a brown bikini, Natasha Henstridge quickly sends Daily Mail hack Donna McConnell weak at the knees.

Like her colleagues, Donna likes a woman with some meat on her and is quick to praise Henstridge’s ‘hourglass figure,’ which is, ‘a clear departure from the rail thin bodies often displayed by the Hollywood A-list.’

Naturally Donna ensures that pictures from Rex Features are reproduced nice and big for the enjoyment of readers.

Katy Perry bares her bikini body after stage costumes are held up in customs
The Daily Mail’s Charlotte Spratt is particularly grateful to Rex Features for extending their long lenses in honour of Katy Perry’s toned bikini body.

Charlotte Spratt, who has been a member of Paul Dacre’s team for just a few months, takes Katy Perry to task for failing to tweet on ‘the tender moments she has spent poolside with an unknown companion’ who has been spotted towelling Perry off while topless.

It doesn’t sound like the companion — described as ‘rather portly, bearded’ — is Charlotte’s type, perhaps she’s jealous of his proximity to Perry’s ‘toned and relaxed… hourglass figure’.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.