Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

No close shave for Hilary Swank as she reveals her hairy armpits on the red carpet
Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is up in arms over Hilary Swank’s apparent failure to shave her armpits, after paparazzi from Rex Features zoomed in on her underarms when she appeared at Elle Magazine’s Women in Hollywood Tribute party at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles.

The red blooded tabloid was horrified by the display of ‘tufty armpits’ which put the hacks right off her ‘stunning’ gold Calvin Klein bustier dress. Worse, the Daily Mail has spotted other hirsute Hollywood babes. It looks like there’s a campaign in the making.

Battle of the St Barts beauties as Victoria’s Secret models Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr go head-to-head
When snappers from Rex Features and Splash caught not one but two Victoria’s Secret models — Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr — on the same beach Paul Dacre’s organ roared: ‘fight, fight, fight!’

It fell to hack Chris Johnson to write a story around the pics declaring, ‘Brazilian model Alessandra, 28, won the contest, after stripping down to a sexy white bikini among an array of other skimpy swimwear numbers.’

It turns out that Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr were on the job, taking it in turns to model lingerie and swimwear and generating plenty for red-blooded Daily Mail readers to get excited about.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.