Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Battle of the St Barts beauties as Victoria’s Secret models Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr go head-to-head
When snappers from Rex Features and Splash caught not one but two Victoria’s Secret models — Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr — on the same beach Paul Dacre’s organ roared: ‘fight, fight, fight!’

It fell to hack Chris Johnson to write a story around the pics declaring, ‘Brazilian model Alessandra, 28, won the contest, after stripping down to a sexy white bikini among an array of other skimpy swimwear numbers.’

It turns out that Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr were on the job, taking it in turns to model lingerie and swimwear and generating plenty for red-blooded Daily Mail readers to get excited about.

Natasha Henstridge is out of this world in the surf as she parades her trimmed-down bikini body
Strutting her stuff in a brown bikini, Natasha Henstridge quickly sends Daily Mail hack Donna McConnell weak at the knees.

Like her colleagues, Donna likes a woman with some meat on her and is quick to praise Henstridge’s ‘hourglass figure,’ which is, ‘a clear departure from the rail thin bodies often displayed by the Hollywood A-list.’

Naturally Donna ensures that pictures from Rex Features are reproduced nice and big for the enjoyment of readers.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.