Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Look away now kids! Rihanna marks her 23rd birthday with a VERY provocative performance at NBA All-Star game
When Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail heard that Rihanna had apparently masturbated on stage while performing at an NBA All-Star game, the red blooded tabloid was desperate for pics to share with banana buffing readers.

Fortunately, snappers from the Reuters news agency were on hand and happy to supply a series of quality photos.

‘Too far,’ salivated Paul Dacre’s organ. ‘The singer touched herself and gyrated in an over-sexualised way in front of the audience that included many celebrities and families.’

It may have judged too much for a sensitive celebrity audience that included Kanye West, Drake, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Justin Bieber and Lenny Kravitz but the images were just right for Daily Mail readers.

Jennifer Lopez displays her downsized derriere in a skintight diamante catsuit
When Jennifer Lopez took to the stage in a rather strange transparent catsuit, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail team whooped in delight… quickly noticing that the fat bum that brought her fame is not as big as it once once.

‘Her audience cheered as she writhed on the stage before high-kicking along to Frank Sinatra’s classic New York, New York,’ reports the red-blooded tabloid, before going on to declare: ‘Despite being covered in fabric from head to toe, J.Lo’s outfit was very revealing.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.