Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace leads the D-listers at latest Danny Dyer movie in super-tight minidress
She may be a D-lister, but Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is in love with Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace and thinks she looks ‘busty’ and ‘shapely’ in a super-tight minidress.

‘The 31-year-old’s willingness to attend functions in revealing outfits is no doubt part of the reason for her enduring appeal,’ sighs the red-blooded tabloid over images captured by Getty.

Her fans will be bowled over: First images of Kelly Brook’s Playboy photo shoot released
Kelly Brook has posed for Playboy in what Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail calls ‘a sultry shoot’ that is bound to drive the tabloid’s red-blooded readers wild.

‘My boobs are real, and they even hang a little,’ Kelly Brook told the men’s magazine. The Daily Mail has been looking into Kelly’s Playboy adventure, reading all about it in the News of the World and on website Fox 411. Banana buffing readers should also look out for Kelly Brook naked on billboards for Reebok. Looks like Paul Dacre’s team will have to take a lie down.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.