Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Oscars 2011: New mother Penelope Cruz flaunts her post-baby curves on red carpet
When Penelope Cruz stepped out on to the red carpet at the 2011 Oscars ceremony, the gaze of Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail quickly fell on ‘her incredible post-pregnancy curves’ (i.e. tits).

‘Stunning: Penelope’s plunging sequinned red dress highlighted her new curves after giving birth to her son Leo Encinas Cruz a month ago,’ salivated the red-blooded tabloid. Paul Dacre’s team of crack showbiz reporters then went looking for other pregnant celebs in the hope of spotting similarly swollen tits.

Penelope Cruz enjoys laid-back beach break with low-key lover Javier Bardem
When Penelope Cruz took a beach holiday with her ‘low-key lover’, paparazzi agency Splash was on hand to capture some pics of the film star in her bikini to share with the Daily Mail’s army of banana buffing readers.

Paul Dacre’s red-blooded tabloid was particularly taken by a revealing down top shot that exposed Penelope Cruz’s ample cleavage.

That ‘low-key lover’ turns out to be Javier Bardem who ‘made a public declaration of his love for the brunette last month as he collected his Best Actor award at the Cannes Film Festival’ and wore black shorts to match Penelope Cruz’s bikini.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.