Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Cameron Diaz cuts a lonely figure as she takes a solitary swim in Hawaii
Cameron Diaz strikes the team at Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail as a lonely figure as she explores a beach in a green bikini. But not to worry, Pacific Coast News are on hand to capture the moment for the tabloid’s banana buffers.

‘Cameron Diaz looks glum but sizzles in a tiny two piece while on a break in Hawaii,’ reckon the hacks, who undoubtedly have their own ideas on how to cheer her up.

Olympic swimmer Ian ‘The Thorpedo’ Thorpe shows off his expanding girth after two years away from the pool
Two years away from the pool and former Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe is getting fat, reports the Daily Mail. Pictures from Pacific Coast News reveal that; ‘While he still has his golden tan and the remainders of a six pack on his torso, Thorpe’s waist [has] noticeably expanded.’

Readers are invited to compare with the athletic physique captures by the European Pressphoto Agency in 2004 and sigh.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.