Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

It’s addictive as cocaine and just as damaging: So is YOUR husband hooked on internet porn?
Daily Mail erotica correspondent Olivia Lichtenstein has watched porn. Olivia Lichtenstein has read porn. Now Olivia Lichtenstein surfs the web for porn. The rest of Paul Dacre’s team must be sooo jealous.

‘She’s younger than you, and prettier, too,’ writes Olivia. ‘Her breasts are pneumatic, her stomach is taut and flat. She’s never tired and is always ready and available at the click of a mouse.’

What’s more Lichtenstein reckons internet porn is, ‘as addictive as cocaine and and just as damaging.’ Worse, pornography permeates society, she warns, perhaps hinting at the role semi-nude celebrities play in boosting the circulation of Olivia Lichtenstein’s own organ.

A new erotic magazine for women believes images like these are a turn on. Hardly!
Olivia Lichtenstein is fast becoming the official pornography correspondent for Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail (other Daily Mail writers pretend to be on more earnest missions).

Recently charged with watching adult TV channels she has turned to reading Filament, a new erotic magazine for women.

Filament is not for Olivia who is the kind of woman who: ‘Even when we are aroused by visual images in pornography, our loud inner monologues promote disagreement between what our bodies are feeling and what our minds are saying.’

Nevertheless, this may be changing reckons Lichtenstein. Tying herself in knots of double-negatives she concedes: ‘not all women are not left cold in the face of pornographic images.’

‘Women are in danger of losing touch with the subtle threads of sexual desire,’ warns Olivia Lichtenstein in her latest dispatch from pornography’s front line. Let’s hope watching and reading on Paul Dacre’s behalf doesn’t corrupt her.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.