Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

So models do eat, then? Slender Elen Rivas clutches takeaway containers during a beach stroll
When paparazzi from Flynet spent the day extending their lens over Elen Rivas as she holidayed in Miami, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail could not have been more happy with the results.

Banana buffing readers were delighted not only with a series of bikini shots, but with some good cleavage views and, to top it all, a hint of nipple. Climax was reached when, ‘Elen showed off an enviable body in a black two-piece, complete with shades and a hat, as she soaked up the rays barefoot’.

At one point Elen Rivas, still in a bikini, bought a meal that came in, ‘oodles of plastic containers that are typical of greasy spoon packaging’ and ate it with a friend. ‘The girls each held a carrier bag with three polystyrene packages inside despite the blazing 28 degree heat that was more suited to a light ice lolly,’ salivated the tabloid.

It was as ‘sunkissed’ Elen Rivas, ‘protect[ed] herself from the Miami sunshine by rubbing lotion in’ that her nipple was almost exposed, exciting Paul Dacre’s organ just a little too much.

What a lovely view! Tamara Ecclestone takes in the sea scenery as her bikini threatens to reveal her modesty
When Tamara Ecclestone wore a too small bikini, paparazzi from INFphoto.com, Photopunto and Splash rushed to the scene, and when her tits fell out everyone cried ‘bingo’ as Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail hungrily paid out for the best nipple shots.

‘Her bikini threatens to reveal her modesty,’ squealed the headline over Sarah Fitzmaurice’s piece. And the story only got bigger: ‘She was seen chatting on the phone and snacking on food as she showed off her fabulous bikini body.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.