Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Mr Capello, you look Fabio! England manager, 63, shows off his trim physique on holiday
Semi-naked Fabio Capello certainly seems to do it for the Daily Mail’s Neil Sears… does the editor Paul Dacre know how his reporter feels.

After seeing Fabio bare chested and striking a range of provocative poses, Neil Sears was prompted to dive in the archives for an even more revealing shot of the England manager in a pair of ‘tight black Speedos’

Kelly Brook relaxes on the beach alone: But friends say Danny’s still the apple of her eye
Described a by ‘a friend’ of the Daily Mail as ‘never knowingly under exposed,’ Kelly Brook has had no trouble coaxing the telephoto lenses of Big Pictures to an extended state as she frolics in the Caribbean.

Brook is holidaying with her mother, according to the tabloid’s Neil Sears and Jo Clements, who reveal some have suggested Kelly’s relationship with rugby player Danny Cipriani is a publicity stunt.

‘Cipriani has done nothing of note in his career, yet they have tried to make him a celebrity. He hasn’t proved anything,’ bitches former rugby player Willie John McBride. Taking his foot out of his mouth Willie John goes on: ‘He is a very talented boy, but you’ve got to have a track record before you become a celebrity. He has done nothing.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.