Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Orlando’s girlfriend Miranda Kerr captured in full Bloom on  beachwear shoot
When Miranda Kerr turns up for work, so do the paparazzi because Miranda Kerr — Orlando Bloom’s girlfriend — models bikinis for Victoria’s Secret.

Paparazzi from Splash captured Miranda Kerr hard at work on a beach somewhere, coming back with some big bikini pics for Paul Dacre’s team to salivate over. No doubt the public relations team at Victoria’s Secret will soon let the red-blooded tabloid reproduce some of the official photos too for banana buffing readers to enjoy.

Battle of the St Barts beauties as Victoria’s Secret models Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr go head-to-head
When snappers from Rex Features and Splash caught not one but two Victoria’s Secret models — Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr — on the same beach Paul Dacre’s organ roared: ‘fight, fight, fight!’

It fell to hack Chris Johnson to write a story around the pics declaring, ‘Brazilian model Alessandra, 28, won the contest, after stripping down to a sexy white bikini among an array of other skimpy swimwear numbers.’

It turns out that Alessandra Ambrosio and Miranda Kerr were on the job, taking it in turns to model lingerie and swimwear and generating plenty for red-blooded Daily Mail readers to get excited about.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.