Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Fresh as a Daisy: Model Lowe goes topless in a racy shoot for Esquire and reveals her admiration for Lara Stone’s ‘massive’ assets
‘In the least suggestive picture from the shoot Daisy Lowe ‘wears’ a red top that has the front panel completely cut out – underneath that she is wearing nothing, but cups her breasts with her hands,’ salivates Marcus Barnes of the Daily Mail as he abuses the latest edition of Esquire… so red blooded readers don’t have to.

The Daily Mail team is delighted to have acquired some topless Daisy Lowe shots to share with readers and when the model began discussing other models’ bodies, Paul Dacre’s organ reached new peaks of excitement.

Revealing her admiration for Lara Stone, topless Daisy Lowe said, ‘She has massive tits. They’re amazing. So perky. Wow.’ And when Daisy Lowe is not topless, she likes to wear sports bras explaining, ‘They usually make my nipples very erect for some reason. My boobs are on the bigger side, so with normal bras all I want to do is take them off.’

London Fashion Week: Nicola Roberts wows with a daring thigh-skimming skirt at Vivienne Westwood catwalk show
When Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts turned up for Vivienne Westwood’s Red Label catwalk show at London Fashion Week, the Daily Mail office whooped with delight: paparazzi Xposure Photos had secured an upskirt shot of the redhead from Girls Aloud. That’s right Nicola Roberts’ skirt revealed a little more than it should have.

The ‘thigh skimming skirt’ certainly made red-blooded hack Marcus Barnes’ heart pump a little faster. He reckons she outshone all the other celebrities attending the do, ‘including Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Pixie Lott, Jo Wood, Tracey Emin and Janet Jackson.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.