Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Natalie Portman’s naked ambition chills relations with Daddy
Natalie Portman going nude and lesbian on screen might have upset her father, but the Daily Mail’s Katie Nicholl is crying out for more and delighted to share a pic of that lesbian kiss with banana buffing readers.

Paul Dacre’s red-blooded tabloid team has been previously disappointed by Natalie Portman’s failure to do nude scenes or take on sexually explicit roles. All that changes with Black Swan, which is sure to attract the tabloid’s attention with its tale of a lesbian ballerina.

Thanks for the support but I’m off, Kelly Brook tell Ultimo bras
Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail has been left devastated by the news that Kelly Brook will no longer be the face — ‘or bust — of Ultmo bras. The red-blooded tabloid has been a keen follower of Kelly Brook and was delighted each time Ultimo’s PR team sent them a pic of Kelly in her undies.

The Ultimo public relations machine will remain happy as Kelly Brook is quoting at length titillating Daily Mail readers with talk of how big girls need extra support and praising Ultimo lingerie at length.

It fell to hapless hack Katie Nicholl to assemble a retrospective featuring some Kelly Brook in some of Ultimo’s most supportive garments.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.