Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Jennifer Lopez displays her downsized derriere in a skintight diamante catsuit
When Jennifer Lopez took to the stage in a rather strange transparent catsuit, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail team whooped in delight… quickly noticing that the fat bum that brought her fame is not as big as it once once.

‘Her audience cheered as she writhed on the stage before high-kicking along to Frank Sinatra’s classic New York, New York,’ reports the red-blooded tabloid, before going on to declare: ‘Despite being covered in fabric from head to toe, J.Lo’s outfit was very revealing.’

With disarming candour, CAROL VORDERMAN reveals how she’s learned to love her big bottom
With ‘disarming candour’ Carol Vorderman invites Daily Mail readers to admire her rather fat bum, in a couple of ‘figure hugging’ dresses. Vorderman invites readers to compare her rear end with those of Beyonce Jennifer Lopez.

Says Carol, ‘We all have, in my family, what we call the “Vorderman bottom” – a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.