Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

David Walliams can’t keep his hands – or lips – off model girlfriend Lara Stone as they soak up some Mexican sun
David Walliams and girlfriend Lara Stone avoided the usual celebrity haunts, reports the Daily Mail’s Georgina Littlejohn, but still could not avoid the long lens of paparazzi agency Matrix Photos.

The pair were caught snogging on a beach in Mexico and the photos rushed back to Paul Dacre’s red-blooded tabloid for Georgina Littlejohn to examine. Reckons Georgina: ‘The pair… couldn’t keep their hands off each other as he rubbed sun lotion on her and stroked her leg.’

After watching the lovers so closely and admiring David Walliams in his bathing costume, Georgina Littlejohn sounds like she did some rubbing of her own.

‘Greedy’ Russell Brand picks up TWO blondes… he’s not worried about lots of sex increasing his chances of prostate cancer then
Russell Brand stared prostate cancer in the face, picking up two high risk blondes at a nightclub, reports the Daily Mail.

Both skimpily dressed, one ‘seemed to have adopted Lady Gaga’s style, with a plunging blue leotard and white stillettoes (sic)’. The other ‘with curly hair, was showing an equal amount of legs and cleavage in a little black dress, which was so short her knickers were exposed,’ but snappers from Matrix Photos and Focus Pictures failed to secure an upskirt shot.

In contrast, Brand’s partner in crime David Walliams opted for an early night, retiring at 2.30am. The Mail speculates that Walliams had been studying research led by the University of Nottingham, that suggests men who have lots of sex in their twenties are more likely to develop prostate cancer. David Walliams is 37.
UPDATE: Subsequent to publication of this post, the Daily Mail removed this story from its website. See: Daily Mail retracts Russell Brand prostate cancer story.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.