Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Natalie Cassidy recreates Britney Spears’ saucy Toxic video and reveals how her new figure has spiced up her love life
Ex-Eastender Natalie Cassidy may not be rutting away like a rabbit, but Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is excited by the news that she’s having more sex than ever.

The revelation came as Natalie Cassidy appeared in a photoshoot for Closer magazine which revals how she might look naked. That’s right: Natalie Cassidy naked! And she tells the magazine that Natalie Cassidy loves getting naked.

In the photoshoot, Natalie Cassidy reveals how she might look naked by wearing a bodysuit similar to one worn by Britney Spears in her Toxic video, that made Britney Spears look naked. Wearing the bodysuit means Natalie Cassidy can look naked while still wearing Spanx hold-in underwear, a Daily Mail reader favourite.

The Only Way is Essex’s Lauren shows playboy ex Mark Wright what he’s missing with nude photoshoot
‘Curvy 23-year-old,’ Lauren Goodger, ‘has showed her ex exactly what he’s missing by stripping off for a risque photoshoot,’ reveals a delighted Daily Mail which has obtained the right to share the shots with banana buffing readers from Closer magazine. Lauren Goodger’s ex is nightclub promoter Mark Wright, who doesn’t think much of her acting.

Paul Dacre’s red-blooded tabloid salivates over Lauren Goodger’s ‘size twelve – all natural – curves’ and approves of her decision to give the gym a miss. ‘Her refreshing attitude is a change from the surgically enhanced glamour models who surround her.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.