Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Helena Christensen steals the show… with the help of some push-up underwear
Retired supermodel Helena Christensen proved she still has what it takes after wearing a push-up bra to a Calvin Klein after party and taking the attention of Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail away from the catwalk models.

‘Earlier in the day Helena looked demure at the Calvin Klein Autumn fashion show, then she slipped on her push-up bra,’ says the red-blooded tabloid as it compares shots from paparazzi agencies Big Pictures and Splash, and revealed ‘a lot of front’.

Lindsay Lohan braces herself for release of internet sex tape (as she makes uninhibited appearance in daring open shirt)
Charlotte Spratt of the Daily Mail is braced for what Paul Dacre’s team expect to be the movie event of 2010: the Lindsay Lohan sex tapes.

The movie may be short — just 47 seconds — but seeing Lindsay Lohan frolic with a ‘mystery male’ for even that short time may be all it takes to satisfy banana buffing Daily Mail readers, some of whom will have learnt how to loop the sex tape.

Just as news of the Lindsay Lohan sex tape reached the red-blooded tabloid, the starlet was photographed at the launch of a ‘luxury sex toy’. The only disappointment for Paul Dacre’s organ is that the Lindsay Lohan sex tape is not believed to contain any girl-on-girl action.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.