Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Two great assets: Kelly Brook unleashes her toned legs for a glamorous night out
When paparazzi from Xposure Photos supplied some pics to Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail of Kelly Brook with her breasts fully covered, the red-blooded tabloid found it difficult not to show its disappointment. But then hack JJ Anisiobi spotted that Kelly Brook has great legs and that her Moschino dress had a split that revealed her thigh in a way no banana buffing Daily Mail reader could resist.

‘Her outfit was a lesson in fashion to Cheryl Cole who wore the same dress last month but with a very different result,’ reckons JJ Anisiobi. Cheryl Cole couldn’t ‘pull it off’ says the red-blooded tabloid, whose readers would no doubt have little trouble pulling something off at the site of Kelly Brook’s pins. And that dress rises so high, Xposure almost captured a Kelly Brook upskirt shot.

Cheryl Cole holds on to her crown as Sexiest Woman In The World for second year
FHM readers have named Cheryl Cole the world’s sexiest woman for the second year, which provides a great excuse for Paul Dacre’s red-blooded tabloid to take readers through the hottest candidates.

Naturally, the public relations team at the men’s magazine is more than happy to help the Daily Mail out with and provide the Daily Mail with some pics for banana buffing readers to enjoy in return from some free publicity to boost flagging sales. And the it’s a good opportunity for the tabloid’s investigative team to take a look through the archives and dig up so hot pics purchased from paparazzi over the years.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.