Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Lindsay Lohan braces herself for release of internet sex tape (as she makes uninhibited appearance in daring open shirt)
Charlotte Spratt of the Daily Mail is braced for what Paul Dacre’s team expect to be the movie event of 2010: the Lindsay Lohan sex tapes.

The movie may be short — just 47 seconds — but seeing Lindsay Lohan frolic with a ‘mystery male’ for even that short time may be all it takes to satisfy banana buffing Daily Mail readers, some of whom will have learnt how to loop the sex tape.

Just as news of the Lindsay Lohan sex tape reached the red-blooded tabloid, the starlet was photographed at the launch of a ‘luxury sex toy’. The only disappointment for Paul Dacre’s organ is that the Lindsay Lohan sex tape is not believed to contain any girl-on-girl action.

Katy Perry bares her bikini body after stage costumes are held up in customs
The Daily Mail’s Charlotte Spratt is particularly grateful to Rex Features for extending their long lenses in honour of Katy Perry’s toned bikini body.

Charlotte Spratt, who has been a member of Paul Dacre’s team for just a few months, takes Katy Perry to task for failing to tweet on ‘the tender moments she has spent poolside with an unknown companion’ who has been spotted towelling Perry off while topless.

It doesn’t sound like the companion — described as ‘rather portly, bearded’ — is Charlotte’s type, perhaps she’s jealous of his proximity to Perry’s ‘toned and relaxed… hourglass figure’.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.