Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

The rise of the ‘squoob’: The cleavage that looks more ‘oww!’ than ‘ooh!’
Squashed boobs are popping out of dresses everywhere reckons Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail, with banana buffing readers’ favourites Carol Vorderman and Christina Hendricks leading the field.

Hack Marianne Power has led the red-blooded tabloid’s investigation of squashed breasts — or ‘squoobs’ as she likes to call them — and concluded that squashed breasts have never been more popular. Not only have Carol Vorderman and Christina Hendricks squashed their breasts so they look like they’re about to burst out of their outfit, Elizabeth Hurley has squashed her breasts and Victoria Beckham’s breasts have been squashed too. Top designer Vivienne Westwood has even designed special boob squashing corsets for those desperate for the squoob look Marianne Power has discovered.

We know you’re single Carol but you’re wasting your time with Spence… just so you know!
Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail has accused Carol Vorderman of attempting to turn Louie Spence straight after the 50-year-old allowed the TV dancer to pull down her top and eye up her cleavage.

‘Loose Woman,’ cried out the red-blooded tabloid. ‘Carol, who has won Rear of the Year, showed off her chest after her fumble with Louie’.

The incident was spotted by Daily Mail hacks Sarah Bull and Kirsty McCormack, who watch ITV’s Loose Women so readers don’t have to. The pair tell readers: ‘Carol Vorderman appeared to be barking up the wrong tree as she lapped up attention from Louie Spence… Vorderman appeared to love the attention and couldn’t stop laughing and even played up to the joke by pulling both sides of her top down to emphasise her chest.’

Sarah Bull and Kirsty McCormack are convinced that Louie Spence remains gay, despite being given the full Carol Vorderman treatment. Banana buffing readers are invited to check out Carol Vorderman’s chest for themselves… do you think she could turn you?

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.