Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Natalie Cassidy recreates Britney Spears’ saucy Toxic video and reveals how her new figure has spiced up her love life
Ex-Eastender Natalie Cassidy may not be rutting away like a rabbit, but Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is excited by the news that she’s having more sex than ever.

The revelation came as Natalie Cassidy appeared in a photoshoot for Closer magazine which revals how she might look naked. That’s right: Natalie Cassidy naked! And she tells the magazine that Natalie Cassidy loves getting naked.

In the photoshoot, Natalie Cassidy reveals how she might look naked by wearing a bodysuit similar to one worn by Britney Spears in her Toxic video, that made Britney Spears look naked. Wearing the bodysuit means Natalie Cassidy can look naked while still wearing Spanx hold-in underwear, a Daily Mail reader favourite.

‘I’m more attracted to my wife than ever,’ says Nick Cannon as heavily pregnant Mariah Carey poses for nude cover shoot
Mariah Carey has posed naked while pregnant for US magazine Life & Style, much to the delight of Paul Dacre’s organ which has reached an agreement to reproduce the image nice and large for banana buffing British readers.

And there’s more! Top hack Donna McConnell has gone through the archive and discovered similar pics, the inevitable Demi Moore plus Britney Spears. And it turns out Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon, finds here even more attractive heavily pregnant, an admission bound to particularly excite imaginative Daily Mail readers.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.