Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Now that’s a way to GRAB attention! Victoria’s Secret model struggles to contain her ample assets
When Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel was spotted modelling bikinis on a South of France beach, the paparazzi were out in force to capture the scene for Paul Dacre’s red blooded Daily Mail.

And Goff Photos got the money shot that left the Daily Mail salivating: ‘Candice Swanepoel struggled to contain herself as her assets poured out of her bikini top yesterday in St Barts, France’. That’s right Candice Swanepoel is pictured holding her breasts to stop them falling out of her bikini.

Big Pictures came in second with a photo of an assistant pouring a bucket of water down Candice Swanepoel’s bikini bottoms: ‘That’s cold,’ exclaimed the tabloid, but it looks like it’s Paul Dacre’s organ that needs the ice water treatment!

The Saturdays’ Frankie Sandford flashes a bit too much leg as she struggles with her tulip hem dress
Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is always hungry for celebrity upskirt shots, so when snappers from Big Pictures came on with pictures of The Saturdays’ Frankie Sandford suffering a wardrobe malfunction that might have included an upskirt, hack Sarah Bull was quickly on the case.

But Sarah Bull has left banana buffers disappointed as it turns out that Frankie Sandford only suffered an upskirt near miss. Nevertheless, the photos of Frankie Sandford tightly gripping her skirt to block out upskirt seeking lenses will no doubt excite many of Daily Mail readers just the same.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.