Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Miss England loses her bikini (but easy chaps, she’s gone all sporty instead)
Miss England organisers have ‘decreed that the days of beauty queens parading in swimsuits are over,’ reports Paul Dacre’s disappointed Daily Mail.

Modernisers have reformed the beauty pageant so contestants will now wear far less revealing sportswear. The move is more in keeping with the young and active women of today claims current Miss England, Katrina Hodge.

But what will banana buffers make of it all? Reporter Beth Hale trawls through the red-blooded tabloid’s archive to find some pictures to cheer them up.

No more feeling flat! Ultimo launches Mega Boost ‘Day to Night Bra’ that adds TWO cup sizes in seconds
The Ultimo public relations team scored another hit with Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail when the red blooded tabloid fell in love with its new Mega Boost bra, which allows women to increase their bra by two cup size in seconds.

Reporter Beth Hale quickly fell in love with the Ultimo Mega Boost, which ‘allows the wearer to opt for some 34B decorum in the office while becoming a look-at-me 34D as soon as the sun goes down.’

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.