Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Kelly Brook goes back to her pin-up roots as she becomes the new face of Ultimo
Kelly Brook has gone ‘back to her roots’ as pin-up thanks to a new modelling contract with Ultimo, reports Paul Dacre’s delighted Daily Mail. And even better for banana buffing readers, the kind public relations people at the lingerie brand have shared more than half a dozen good quality pics with the red-blooded tabloid, a couple of which may be clicked to enlarge.

‘Now a mature 30-year-old, Brook shows she’s still got the killer curves she first flaunted as a teen in the sensational new ad campaign,’ the Daily Mail gushes. ‘It’s no surprise her 32E-26-36 hourglass figure has been chosen for the new Ultimo Spring campaign.’

Kim Kardashian fuels split rumours by posting sexy pictures on Twitter
US reality TV star Kim Kardashian may be virtually unknown in the UK, but one of her most loyal Twitter followers is Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail. Tabloid hack Sarah Bull could not hide her delight when Kim Kardashian tweeted ‘sexy pictures’ of herself working on her tan.

For ever hopeful Sarah Bull the pictures of Kim ‘blowing a kiss at the camera, posing in a low cut bikini top and reclining in a white bikini’ all suggest she’s now a single woman.

‘She has also been seen making regular trips to the local gym, as well as running on the beach, to maintain her enviable figure,’ sighs Sarah.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.