Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Young at heart: Roger Daltrey shows off his toned torso at 65 as Elton John takes gravity-defying leap at 62
When paparazzi agency Matrix Photos secured a shot of Roger Daltrey emerging from the Florida sea, Simon Cable was more than happy to write some commentary for the Daily Mail’s lady readers.

Sixty-five year-old Daltrey reminded Simon Cable of current James Bond, Daniel Craig and had him scurrying to the tabloid’s photo archive to find a suitable pic with which to wow readers.

Curvy Carol Vorderman joins Elle Macpherson by slipping into yet ANOTHER of Posh’s dresses
Having previously wowed Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail with her fat bum, Carol Vorderman has warn a ‘figure-flattering’ dress that shows she has the breasts to match… and nobody’s more excited than hack Lizzie Smith.

Lizzie Smith has spent an unhealthily long time studying images of Carol Vorderman is a variety of dresses, trying to work out which best show off her ‘curves’ and declared her ‘generously rounded’ in a £2,095 grey Carmontelle dress.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.