Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Revolutionary bikini to make tan lines history: ‘See-through’ swimming cossie guarantees all-over bronzing
A revolution in bikini technology could banish tan lines, reports an excited Andrew Levy for Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail.

The secret is to make the bikini see through, so that UV rays may pass through the material. But while the sun rays can get through to tan the skin, prying eyes cannot… so not really see through at all.

Nevertheless, its a great excuse to show a range of models — men and women — sporting skimpy swimwear.

Ooh la la! Bidding frenzy expected for nude photo of France’s First Lady Carla Bruni
Her nipples may be subtlety smudged to spare readers’ blushes, but we can still see what’s getting Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail all hot under the collar. And there’s a second image with no censorship… strange.

Carla Bruni, wife to the French president, posed nude ‘at the height of Miss Bruni’s modelling fame when she was aged 26,’ reports the Mail Foreign Service (nobody messes with the Mail Foreign Service).

1994 being a long time ago, readers are invited to check how Carla Bruni’s aged with the usual long shots of her cavorting in a bikini courtesy of Big Pictures.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.