Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Kelly Brook relaxes on the beach alone: But friends say Danny’s still the apple of her eye
Described a by ‘a friend’ of the Daily Mail as ‘never knowingly under exposed,’ Kelly Brook has had no trouble coaxing the telephoto lenses of Big Pictures to an extended state as she frolics in the Caribbean.

Brook is holidaying with her mother, according to the tabloid’s Neil Sears and Jo Clements, who reveal some have suggested Kelly’s relationship with rugby player Danny Cipriani is a publicity stunt.

‘Cipriani has done nothing of note in his career, yet they have tried to make him a celebrity. He hasn’t proved anything,’ bitches former rugby player Willie John McBride. Taking his foot out of his mouth Willie John goes on: ‘He is a very talented boy, but you’ve got to have a track record before you become a celebrity. He has done nothing.’

Ashton Kutcher shows he’s fighting fit filming all-action stunts for his latest movie
MTV hunk Ashton Kutcher excited lady Daily Mail readers as he ‘revealed his toned body in a pair of black swimming trunks’. The long lenses of Big Pictures and Splash were lurking just off set to capture the pecs for the ladies.

Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre is a work of satire that diaries titillating stories from the Daily Mail, so you can go straight there without having to view the offensive stuff.